Yikes!

Well, my delinquency in life has led me to this. I have a terrible confession to make, and with it, I ask you to all hold me to account. Nag, scream, yell, cry, do anything you can to hold me to account… I’ve gained 15 pounds since the wedding. 15 friggin’ pounds, without trying even!! Now, I’ll admit, I’ve been a lot more lax about eating, and a lot less stringent about working out, but seriously, 15 pounds!!!

Here’s the deal. I don’t want to be fat. I don’t want to look in the mirror and feel awful about the way I look. I understand that this may be perceived as ‘hard on myself’, but I’d really just like to like how I look AND how I feel. I need to regroup on the eating front, I know that. That’s where things tend to go off the rails. I just need to muster the will power to do it. Especially this time of year.

Also, as an outcomes oriented human being, I do well with numbers. Last week, I had my annual check up. I got a number. 50. Uh huh, 50. That’s how many pounds my doctor would like me to lose before I even THINK about getting pregnant. Now, don’t take that the wrong way, I’m not thinking about it now, it’s still at least 2 years down the road, but seriously, 50 pounds. Yikes. At least it’s goal, I guess.

Back on the rails as of today, if I can make it through the Holidays, I’m pretty sure I can make it through anything. Perhaps it’s a good thing those shortbread cookies got stolen from our backyard.

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There’s no crying in bootcamp…

So, I know, again, I’ve been delinquent with the blogging. Trying to balance life and a blog is pretty incredible, I guess I’ll have to make it a greater priority. Sorry all.

Last week was yet another hard week. I think realistically they’re all going to be hard weeks. If I’m not pushing myself, I’m not getting results.

Thursday night was especially bad, for whatever reason. It was a hard night, lots of legs, and with already tender hips, I felt like my legs might fall out of their sockets. There was a moment where I caught tears rolling down my face. I wanted to give up, I thought about giving up. Instead, I grit my teeth (which isn’t cool with new expensive, teeth), and I kept going. Afterwards, thoughts of actually giving up filed my head. Is this the way it’s always going to be? I’m going to be in perpetual pain. The crying continued into the car, and on the way to my meeting. The crying was a wake up call. I care too much to give up. I need to get out of my own head when I work out. I’m my biggest barrier. I’m still waiting for the a-ha moment, my tipping point. I feel closer to it, but still not there.

I got back up on Friday, and ran stairs with the lovely Michelle. Still sore, I know I have to go especially when I don’t want to.

This weekend was an incredible struggle. I spent an evening with my girlfriends in Banff. It’s hard enough being the heavy girl in the group, but trying to have the will power to not eat and drink myself into oblivion was incredibly difficult. So, I ate too many cookies, but I skipped the fries. Against much peer pressure (yes, it does exist in your late 20’s), I also stayed away from the booze. It wasn’t easy, it had to be done.

Less than 4 weeks to go until I’m a Mrs. It’s going to take a ton of self talk to get through to that day without turning to chocolate for comfort, but I can do it.

 

I’ve had a blog for a week…

And almost forgot about it!

That said, it was exciting to feel like I’ve missed out on some accountability. So, here I am, as promised.

I want to talk about my non-workout last night. I went for a gym work out, and I’d say I gave it the old 75% as I was excited to go to hot yoga. Hot yoga has been an incredible element of my workout for the last year. I love the feeling I get when the class is over, the my butt has been sufficiently kicked. Not only that, my friend Kristen and I (well, mostly Kristen and then I tagged along) found the most delightful studio, with incredible teachers who are so motivating. I’ve felt as though they guide us through our practice in a really individual way.

Last night, I took my friend and colleague Christine to our beloved studio for what we thought would be a butt kicking. I hadn’t looked at the schedule, but was pleasantly surprised when the practice started, and it was a restorative class. There is something to be said for yoga just being for relaxation. I’m feeling like a million bucks today. My hips feel like I could dance the night away.

I will more than definitely go back to the trimming, toning, thousand calorie burning Flow class, but perhaps I’ll add a practice to my week.

…14 Minutes and 51 Seconds

I was just given the 14 minute, 51 second notice. That’s when the hockey game is over.

Yesterday was my scheduled ‘day off’ from working out. I probably should have gone at it given the amount I hated my work out on Friday night. Though, I’m feeling better today as a result. I went running in a field of peas with my dog (and my redhead and Pam), it was more of a walk-run-saunter, or in his case a walk-run-pant-stop-run.

The whole Thanksgiving thing has me feeling rather blessed. I have so many things to be thankful for this year. Our wedding was five weeks from yesterday. I’m lucky to have great friends, a family that loves me, a job I love, and an able mind and body. Though the temptation of too many mashed potatoes and gravy was incredibly enticing while at two of three Thanksgiving Dinners, I had the confidence and motivation to remember I deserve to put all of the healthiest choices into my body (aside from the chocolate pie, I can’t turn pie down twice in one day. But, it was a fraction of the size that I’d typically eat, not that I’m making excuses. It’s gut check time, I know).

I’m looking forward to re-reading posts like these when I’m having bad days and need a pick me up. Celebrating the successes is one of the most motivating things for gals like me. This week will be a much better week for me, I’m going to make it so. I’m going to think Fit. I’m going to be Strong.  I’m going to eat Healthy.

Fit. Strong. Healthy.

Friday, Friday, Friday

The end of the work week is typically exciting for me, but lately as 4:30 on Friday draws nearer, dread sets in.

I love my social life. I love my friends. I love going out and socializing with these friends. Socializing usually incorporates some variety of food and/or drink. This is what I dread.

It’s like the wheels fall off on Friday night, and I think I can let myself get back to my old ways. I’m not on a ‘diet’. I’m choosing to eat clean as a way of fostering a healthy lifestyle, but I have to say, celery just doesn’t have the same appeal as chocolate. I get that depriving myself of all of these things all of the time isn’t a healthy way to survive, but neither is main-lining candy, cookies, and carbs every day.  A lady from my work brought up cupcakes, and I literally started salivating.

It’s been a relatively tough week. After the shredding my body took last weekend, at my own hands, of course, it’s been a long week of feeling like crap in ALL of my work outs. My bootcamp and my bootcamp trainer (Michelle from www.survivorbootcamp.ca) have been a great motivator for me. I’ve gone from being the girl at the back of the runs, to the girl somewhere in the middle. (as an aside, this may be one of the few times in life where I’m glad to be hiding in the middle) This week, I felt like the girl in the back again.

All of that being said, I know that in the journey to making this the lifestyle as opposed to creating new habits, there are going to be rough days. Patience being the least of my virtues is what gets to me.

 Going to bootcamp tonight, for the first time ever on a Friday night. I’m looking forward to my rest day tomorrow, I’m also looking forward to not looking forward to rest days.

Number 2. Already!?

So, for the sake of full disclosure, I need to credit my friend Donloree Hoffman with the inspiration to blog all of this madness.

Donloree lives in Edmonton, and as you can read in her blog at http://bikiniorbust.wordpress.com. She has chronicled her preparation for a figure contest, and I’m so proud of and inspired by her.

The reality of this blog is that it’s going to be me at my strongest, at my weakest, and most certainly everything in between. On my way home from a gruelling bootcamp tonight, it struck me that the time will come where I will need to write this blog to more than just myself. I know, I know, on day one perhaps I’m getting a little ahead of myself. The reality of my situation is that I need to have an accountability mechanism. I’ve been incredibly focused in the past few months, but I need to step up my game.

So here I am, putting myself out into the world in a big way on my second post. I guess this where you, the reader, my friends, family, colleagues, whomever, come in. I ask you, with the most humble of hearts, to keep me to task when I’m having rough days (weeks, months, years). I know I have this in me, but as Lennon and McCartney demonstrated, I’m going to have to do it, with a little help from my friends.

Maiden Post…. This is pretty monumental for me

I’ve never really had a problem writing, nor writing for a crowd. Perhaps this is the best way to ‘out’ myself, while keeping me sane.

My name is Jessica. I, along with millions of Canadians, struggle with my weight. It’s been years of up, down, down some more, up up up and up again. I’ve tried tons and tons of quick fixes to date. The most recent being the Dr. Bernstien diet. Injections three times a week, eight hundred calories a day, and seventy pounds later, I may have been at my lowest weight since high school, but it was a rock bottom hit for me.

Today, I’m thirty pounds heavier than I was at the end of Dr. Bernstien. I’ve been told I have to forgive myself for putting my body through that. It’s hard when you watch the scale rise a pound a day for thirty days, while putting my body through the most rigorous training I’ve been through ever. Slowly, with the help of a wonderful trainer, I’m getting the confidence I need to finally make this lifestyle shift. The only person I’m accountable to now, is me. It might help if you’re all along for the ride with me.

I’m waging war on my jiggles, wiggles, and waggles.

Reaching goals is always the most fulfilling part of my work life, why can’t it be part of my personal life?! My eye-on-the-prize goal is the Calgary Half Marathon next May 29, 2011. Until then, it’s small, very tangible, very attainable goals. I know I’ll need the successes to motivate me.

Goal #1: Get to wedding day (38 days from today) eating clean, and working out 5 days a week.

Below is a snapshot of the weight yo-yo I’ve gone through in the past year, with some pretense, of course.

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